Today is Traci and my 21st anniversary, and I can honestly say that we have a great marriage. I love her more now than at any point previously, and I anticipate loving her even more 21 years in the future if God allows us that much time together. Furthermore, I feel loved and respected by her. Simply put she is my best friend, and she loves me in spite of knowing me better than any other human on earth.
So did we just luck into a great marriage or do we have some secret that we can share? As someone who has the job of helping others with their marriages, I wanted to share three of the primary reasons we have a great marriage, and that you can do as well.
Love Jesus First
The first and most important reason that Traci and I have a great marriage is that we both put Jesus number one in our lives. Every morning I see her spending time in God's Word and prayer, and she regularly takes time out of the house to spend extended time with the Lord as well. I too spend time with Jesus daily, to seek His will for my life and marriage, and He gives me the strength to obey as well. Neither of us live perfect Christian lives, but because we know that Jesus still loves us, we also know that our identity is secure no matter how hard we fail or how bad the circumstances are in our lives.
When we fail each other, which inevitably we do, we can still go to Jesus to find comfort and forgiveness. Since we are not one another's little gods, we do not have to fill the void of meaning that only the true God can fill. Then whether we face financial trouble, loss of a job, conflict with friends, or even the loss of our son Micah, we still have someone solid on whom to lean. We each lean hard on Jesus, and He helps us be strong for each other. I cannot tell you how many times I have noticed that Traci is strong because of her relationship with Jesus, just when I am weakest, and by His grace He give me strength to help her as well.
Jesus also continues to challenge us to grow personally. I think I can say confidently that we both love Jesus more now than when we first got married, and because of that we are able to love each other and others people better. A relationship with Jesus makes us into better people!
It takes work!
The second reason that we have a great marriage is that we work on it. We started intentionally working our marriage even while dating. We studied a book on Finding the Love of Your Life, by Neal Clark Warren, the eventual founder of EHarmony. We also did premarital counseling before we got married to make sure that we began talking to one another about deep areas of relationship, such as how to handle money and how to raise kids.
We have continued to work on our marriage. We know that to keep love alive and to deepen it, we need to continue to romance one another. We date regularly (at least once a month), and on our dates, we ask one another date night questions like these. Every year we go to at least one retreat together, and/ or spend a couple days away together. We talk everyday about our lives and our plans. We also pray together every day - in 21 years we have probably missed less than 10 days of praying together.
The third main reason that Traci and I have a great marriage is that we started out and continue to believe in the goodness of marriage, and therefore we are committed to making it work. We believe that God made marriage for our good, the good of our kids, and even for the good of the world around us. On our wedding day, we committed to loving one another until death do us part, and we still try to live that out.
Furthermore, we have the added benefit of seeing this truth lived out in front us many times over. My parents have been married over 50 years, and they are a great example of people who love Jesus and each other. Traci's parents have been married over 40 years, and continue to love one another and their family well.
We have many other relatives family and friends who have been married 10, 20, 30, 40, and sometimes 50+ years. We also have many friends whose marriages have broken up, but because we can look to the success as our inspiration to continue on this journey together in the good times and the bad.
If you don't have positive examples in your life of long-term happy marriages, I would invite you to keep looking. When you find those couples who have endured through time, you will see the best examples of romantic love that no Hollywood romance can equal.
Whether you are married or not, I hope that our marriage can be an encouragement for you of what a great marriage can be. I am so blessed by God to experience one of His great blessings for me as I travel this life with Traci. I look forward to growing old with her, and I pray that with God's help we will love each other more and more each day.
Love Jesus First
The first and most important reason that Traci and I have a great marriage is that we both put Jesus number one in our lives. Every morning I see her spending time in God's Word and prayer, and she regularly takes time out of the house to spend extended time with the Lord as well. I too spend time with Jesus daily, to seek His will for my life and marriage, and He gives me the strength to obey as well. Neither of us live perfect Christian lives, but because we know that Jesus still loves us, we also know that our identity is secure no matter how hard we fail or how bad the circumstances are in our lives.
When we fail each other, which inevitably we do, we can still go to Jesus to find comfort and forgiveness. Since we are not one another's little gods, we do not have to fill the void of meaning that only the true God can fill. Then whether we face financial trouble, loss of a job, conflict with friends, or even the loss of our son Micah, we still have someone solid on whom to lean. We each lean hard on Jesus, and He helps us be strong for each other. I cannot tell you how many times I have noticed that Traci is strong because of her relationship with Jesus, just when I am weakest, and by His grace He give me strength to help her as well.
Jesus also continues to challenge us to grow personally. I think I can say confidently that we both love Jesus more now than when we first got married, and because of that we are able to love each other and others people better. A relationship with Jesus makes us into better people!
It takes work!
The second reason that we have a great marriage is that we work on it. We started intentionally working our marriage even while dating. We studied a book on Finding the Love of Your Life, by Neal Clark Warren, the eventual founder of EHarmony. We also did premarital counseling before we got married to make sure that we began talking to one another about deep areas of relationship, such as how to handle money and how to raise kids.
We have continued to work on our marriage. We know that to keep love alive and to deepen it, we need to continue to romance one another. We date regularly (at least once a month), and on our dates, we ask one another date night questions like these. Every year we go to at least one retreat together, and/ or spend a couple days away together. We talk everyday about our lives and our plans. We also pray together every day - in 21 years we have probably missed less than 10 days of praying together.
We also study material lots of material on marriage, and on being better husbands and wives. Books such as His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, or his website, Marriagebuilders.com are great practical resources. Tim Keller's, Meaning of Marriage, Emerson Eggerich's, Love and Respect, or Francis Chan's, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity, are also good reads. Even though we never have gone personally, I would also recommend Family Life's, Weekend to Remember retreats, because many couples that I know have been blessed by them. Another great relationship resource that we have taught is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and this material has been very good for our marriage and my life.
If you studied this material, started believing these truths, and put into practice the teachings, I can almost guarantee your marriage would get better, even if you already have a good marriage.
Believe in Marriage
If you studied this material, started believing these truths, and put into practice the teachings, I can almost guarantee your marriage would get better, even if you already have a good marriage.
Believe in Marriage
The third main reason that Traci and I have a great marriage is that we started out and continue to believe in the goodness of marriage, and therefore we are committed to making it work. We believe that God made marriage for our good, the good of our kids, and even for the good of the world around us. On our wedding day, we committed to loving one another until death do us part, and we still try to live that out.
Furthermore, we have the added benefit of seeing this truth lived out in front us many times over. My parents have been married over 50 years, and they are a great example of people who love Jesus and each other. Traci's parents have been married over 40 years, and continue to love one another and their family well.
We have many other relatives family and friends who have been married 10, 20, 30, 40, and sometimes 50+ years. We also have many friends whose marriages have broken up, but because we can look to the success as our inspiration to continue on this journey together in the good times and the bad.
If you don't have positive examples in your life of long-term happy marriages, I would invite you to keep looking. When you find those couples who have endured through time, you will see the best examples of romantic love that no Hollywood romance can equal.
Whether you are married or not, I hope that our marriage can be an encouragement for you of what a great marriage can be. I am so blessed by God to experience one of His great blessings for me as I travel this life with Traci. I look forward to growing old with her, and I pray that with God's help we will love each other more and more each day.
1 comment:
Thank you so much for this... How amazing is it when we put Jesus first...we love and miss you guys so much! Bless you both
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