Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Alone with my thoughts at 3 AM

I am writing this blog at 3 am while sitting next to my son in the hospital. I can't sleep, so I am writing instead.

I can't sleep not because the bed I have is terribly uncomfortable, but because my mind is racing about all the various unknowns in the days ahead. I find that the middle of the night can tend to do this, but in the past the unknowns have often been about rather mundane things in life or ministry. Now we are facing real uncertainty regarding our son's health and our schedule.

So I am facing these questions: Can/will I trust God even when my day to day is thrown into a loop? Can/will I be able to face the temptations to drowned my sorrows in self-pity and/or self-indulgence?

The truth is I want to have pity party, I want to be mad at God, I want indulge my way into oblivion, but I know that none of those things will make a difference or change the situation. Frankly they won't even make me feel good.

So what can I do? Well I find myself drawn to prayer. I find myself drawn to the Word of God. I find myself crying, but crying out to God.

I just read this passage from Psalm 119:9-11 How can a young man (or a middle aged one!) keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

I sometimes feel that when God teaches me some new spiritual truth that I have found some new key that no one else has discovered, but I know that in reality God has not changed and he has been sharing these same truths with people for as long as there have been people.

I pray that you may seek God daily. I pray that I may seek Him with my whole heart.